The Choice

Jesus said, "For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it - lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:28-33).

Before I came to Jesus, my uncle (he was the one who lead me through the prayer) said just one thing…

“You can’t follow Jesus half way… Its all or nothing”

At the time it didn’t sound so extreme, and it didn’t even sound like a choice. 'Who wouldn’t want to follow Jesus?' I thought to myself. That was six years ago… actually, that was six years, five days, 23 hours and 11 minutes ago… And if I’ve learned anything in that time it’s that following Jesus is extreme. It’s all or nothing, and it’s a choice.

For the past year or so I’ve been “out-of-commission” so to speak. I don’t know what went wrong exactly. A relationship went south… I was hurt… school was getting tough… friends were getting annoying and church wasn’t helping. I guess it was a combo of things.

And I don’t know when it happened, but at one point I stopping looking at Jesus.

It was hard to keep his word in my heart when everything around me was yelling the opposite. And it was hard to stick to what I knew to be true when people around me were having so much fun living the lie. I so desperately wanted to have fun living the lie.

So I did it for a while. I went back to some bad habits of mine (namely drinking too much, partying, flirting like a mad-woman & swearing like a sailor). The funny thing is though that none of that really bothered me about the whole thing.

What bothered me is that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t drown Him out. I couldn’t swear enough, or drink enough, or dance enough to get Jesus away. But instead of giving in I just partied harder and drank more. Like a little kid I put my fingers in my ears and started to scream at the top of my lungs… “I’m not Listening…I’M NOT LISTENING!”

Well, inevitably, the world didn’t deliver on its promises (hmm… big surprise) and I was left numb… completely numb. When I finally took my fingers out of my ears I heard nothing. And I so desperately wanted to ear from Him… I strained and strained but I couldn’t even make out a whisper.

I wish I could say that Jesus came in, zapped me with life, parted to clouds & rescued me… but that would be a lie. Nothing like that happened.

What did happen was that I came across an old book of mine, ‘The Cost of Discipleship,’ by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I was in the middle of reading this book before my ‘fall’ and I left it unfinished.

(For those of you who don’t know who Bonhoeffer is, he was a German pastor and resistance member against Hitler. In the summer of 1939, just before the WW2 began, he was in New York. He knew that going back to Germany would mean his life but went back anyway. He wrote the book in 1936, and finally he would have to live it. The Nazis executed him in 1945. It’s honestly the toughest read I’ve ever encountered, and I’m still not done, but it’s so worth it)

When I picked it up again I felt so inadequate. Luke 9:62 was looping in my head (“No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God”) and I just wanted to give up before I even started. I wasn’t fit to be a disciple! Let’s face it, I thought… I’m no Peter, or Paul… I don’t have the endurance or compassion of John, who am I kidding? A disciple? Puh-lease!

And then a thought came… “Isn’t it the master’s job choose his disciples?... And if that’s true, what is the only duty of the disciple?”

…

The choice. The choice to follow is the first duty of the disciple. The decision to give Jesus all… and He’ll take care of the rest.

I wish I could say that everything has been sunshine & lollipops since then… it hasn’t. But there’s a new verse that loops in my head now. Its Psalm 139:1-5.

“O LORD, you have searched me, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”