Why do I keep Him away?

Romans 8: 35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? […] No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

“I’m inadequate, I’ve failed, and I will never amount to anything. God, just look at my track record! I hurt so many people, Lord! Jesus, what if I say the wrong thing?! I’m not worthy of you. I’ve sinned… I’ve sinned in ways I never thought I could… Jesus, you don’t want me, really, just save yourself the strife. You’re too good and holy for me. You deserve a better disciple, a better follower. I’m a terrible creation, servant, friend, daughter and bride. Lord, I can’t. I’m not equipped. I haven’t prayed or read your word in a long time, so I couldn’t even speak even if you wanted me to! Jesus, I don’t think like them! They won’t listen, they don’t care, they don’t even like me anyway! Jesus, just stay away! Please just stay away!”

These are just some of the thoughts that flood my heart every day. And for over a year, I’ve listened and obeyed them.

I’ve kept myself away from the only being I know that truly & deeply cares, and the only person I know that is capable of doing something about it.

I’ve chosen to be sick. The cure is right in front of me and I’ve refused to take it. I’ve been so thirsty, and yet refuse to drink. I’m starving, but I will not touch food.

The verse above says that nothing… NO-THING on heaven or on earth, nothing that is made, nothing that exists can separate us from the love of Jesus. So why is it that I continually erect barriers to keep him away?

I can’t afford to live like this anymore. Something has to change; something’s got to give.

Something is blocking me; something I have made; something I have thought up or imagined. I don’t know how and I don’t know why… but a barrier has been erected in my heart against the love of Christ.

Please Jesus show me what it is! Give me the faith to remove it, and the strength to keep coming after you. I only want you.

100% is not God

I hope this blog hasn’t been a stumbling block for you. More than anyone, I struggle with the idea of all or nothing… 100% or 0%... and no room in between, no room for failure... the idea that “if you’re not prepared to sacrifice everything, don’t even try!” completely paralyzes me.

I found out yesterday that the reason it haunts me is because God is not like that. God is not the 100% God…

J.B. Phillips explains it best, please read on...
(This is an excerpt from the book “Your God is Too Small” pg. 30-2)

“This one-hundred percent God standard is a real menace to Christians of many schools of thought, and has led quite a number of sensitive conscientious people to what is known as a "nervous breakdown." And it has taken the joy and spontaneity out of the Christian lives of so many more who dimly realize that what was meant to be a life of "perfect freedom" has become an anxious slavery.

A young, athletic extrovert may talk glibly enough of being "one-hundred percent pure, honest, loving, unselfish." But being what he is, he hasn't the faintest conception of what "one hundred percent" means. He has neither the mental equipment nor the imagination to begin to grasp what perfection really is. He is not the type to analyze his own motives, or build up an artificial conscience to supervise his own actions, or be confronted by a terrifying mental picture of what one-hundred percent perfection literally means in relation to his own life and effort. What he means by 100% pure, honest etc. is just as pure and honest as he sincerely knows how, and that is a very different matter.

But the conscientious, sensitive, imaginative person who is somewhat lacking in self- confidence and inclined to introspection, will find the 100% truly terrifying. The more he thinks of it as God's demand the more guilty and miserable he will become, and he cannot see any way out of his impasse. If he reduces the 100% he is betraying his own vision, and the very God who might have helped him is the Author (so he imagines) of the terrific demands! No wonder he always "breaks down." The tragedy is often that the 100% god is introduced into the life of the sensitive by the comparatively insensitive, who literally cannot imagine the harm they are doing.

What is the way out? The words of Christ "Learn from Me," provide the best clue. Some of our modern enthusiastic Christians of the hearty type tend to regard Christianity as a performance. But it is still, as it was originally, a way of living, and in no sense a performance acted for the benefit of the surrounding world. To "Learn" implies growth; implies the making and correcting of mistakes; implies a steady upward progress toward an ideal. The "perfection" to which Christ commands men to progress to is this ideal. The modern high pressured Christian of certain circles would like to impose perfection of 100% as a set of rules to be immediately enforced, instead of as a shining ideal to be faithfully pursued. His short cut in effect, makes the unimaginative satisfied before he ought to be and drives the imaginative to despair.

Yet even to people who have not been driven to distraction by 100% Christianity, the same fantasy of perfection may be masquerading in their minds as God. Because it is a fantasy it produces paralysis and a sense of frustration. The true ideal, as we shall see later, stimulates, encourages, and produces likeness to itself.

If we believe in God, we must naturally believe that He is perfection! But we must not think that he cannot be interested in anything less than perfection!

Christians may truthfully say that it is God's ambition to possess the love and loyalty of his children, but to imagine that He will have no dealings with them until they are prepared to give him perfect devotion is just another manifestation of the god of 100%. After all who, apart from the very smug and complacent would claim that they were wholly "surrendered" or "converted" to love? And who would deny the Fathers interest in the prodigal son when his spiritual index was at an all time low?

God is truly Perfection, but he is no Perfectionist, and the 100% is not God.”