Why do I keep Him away?

Romans 8: 35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? […] No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

“I’m inadequate, I’ve failed, and I will never amount to anything. God, just look at my track record! I hurt so many people, Lord! Jesus, what if I say the wrong thing?! I’m not worthy of you. I’ve sinned… I’ve sinned in ways I never thought I could… Jesus, you don’t want me, really, just save yourself the strife. You’re too good and holy for me. You deserve a better disciple, a better follower. I’m a terrible creation, servant, friend, daughter and bride. Lord, I can’t. I’m not equipped. I haven’t prayed or read your word in a long time, so I couldn’t even speak even if you wanted me to! Jesus, I don’t think like them! They won’t listen, they don’t care, they don’t even like me anyway! Jesus, just stay away! Please just stay away!”

These are just some of the thoughts that flood my heart every day. And for over a year, I’ve listened and obeyed them.

I’ve kept myself away from the only being I know that truly & deeply cares, and the only person I know that is capable of doing something about it.

I’ve chosen to be sick. The cure is right in front of me and I’ve refused to take it. I’ve been so thirsty, and yet refuse to drink. I’m starving, but I will not touch food.

The verse above says that nothing… NO-THING on heaven or on earth, nothing that is made, nothing that exists can separate us from the love of Jesus. So why is it that I continually erect barriers to keep him away?

I can’t afford to live like this anymore. Something has to change; something’s got to give.

Something is blocking me; something I have made; something I have thought up or imagined. I don’t know how and I don’t know why… but a barrier has been erected in my heart against the love of Christ.

Please Jesus show me what it is! Give me the faith to remove it, and the strength to keep coming after you. I only want you.