Self-inflicted spiritual starvation... ya, that about sums it up.

I only started this blog because a friend told me to. He suggested I get my feelings & experiences out there; that maybe I could help someone with what was really going on in my life.

But I can’t help but wonder, how can I help anyone if I can’t help myself?

For the past month or so I’ve been slowly coming out of a spiritual depression & i think, a clinical one. I can’t say I’m completely out yet. Some days are great; others are terrible. I wish it would all just go away really. I feel like a crazy person… seriously, most days I question my sanity.

I’m struggling. Recently I’ve begun to read my bible again and listen to sermons. I’m developing a longing for Jesus again…

But on the other hand, I’m sinning like never before. I feel like a spiritual ping-pong ball. I get tossed from spiritual progression to disgusting, degrading sin…

If I was spiritually healthy, I’d be able to get up, but I can’t. Not this time.

It’s the strangest thing. I know Jesus, and normally I’d be able to see him anywhere. I could connect with him & talk with him. I could feel him & draw strength from Him.

Now, I don’t even know where to find him.

I read the word, and even though I know he IS the word, I can’t see him in the pages. I pray, or I try to pray, but nothing comes out, and I can't feel him or even imagine that he's listening. I’m a strain on my closest friends, and I don't even want to talk to them anymore. It's not fair that they should have to carry me through this, they’re going through their own stuff.

I really don’t know what to do.

Do you know what I’m talking about?