Decision Determines Destiny

“You are free to choose. You are not free not to choose. You are not free to determine the consequences of your choice.”

These words are from a sermon by Adrian Rogers entitled “It’s Decsision that Determines Destiny.” Find it. Listen to it. It’ll change your perspective.

I’ve always believed in the fatalistic sort of destiny thing. God has a plan for you and no matter what you do you can’t escape it. I’ve come to realize that that’s not the truth. God knows what you are going to chose, but he doesn’t make the decision for you.

And depending on your choices, you life can go in one of two ways. Life or Death. Yes, everyone has to have a physical death, I’m not denying that… but the decision we make to believe in Jesus gives us life.

The reason why I’ve been struggling is because I see this choice before me everyday. While I believed in Jesus six years ago and decided to follow him, I forgot that that decision needs to be renewed every day in my heart.

Somewhere along the line I forgot that & life became complicated. Life is not complicated. Life in Jesus is pure light, and the way is very clear.

Before me I saw the long, wide road… I knew I wasn’t going to take it, but I stopped walking down the narrow path. It does get hard sometimes. But if it wasn’t a little difficult, it wouldn’t be worth it.

What’s the point in having a easy life, giving into every impulse & chasing pleasure if it costs you your soul?

No, I have decided on a different way. I’m following Jesus. There’s going to ups & downs, and I’m going to fall more that a couple of times. But I will not leave him. My words are the words of Ruth to Naomi…

(Ruth 1:16-17) Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.

Thankfully, I know that NOTHING can separate me from Jesus…

(Romans 8: 37-39) In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I lose death, and win life. I give up that which I cannot keep for that which I cannot lose.

Really, when really get down to thinking about it, this is the best offer anyone will ever make to you.

Sin does the exact opposite. Sin takes EVERYTHING away from you and leaves you with nothing, and then you die. If left unchecked it will also begin to take claim of your future, until you, O sons and daughters of God, have even forfeited your life in Christ. So stop fooling yourselves.

Remember, don’t give into the lie, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Choose life.

Self-inflicted spiritual starvation... ya, that about sums it up.

I only started this blog because a friend told me to. He suggested I get my feelings & experiences out there; that maybe I could help someone with what was really going on in my life.

But I can’t help but wonder, how can I help anyone if I can’t help myself?

For the past month or so I’ve been slowly coming out of a spiritual depression & i think, a clinical one. I can’t say I’m completely out yet. Some days are great; others are terrible. I wish it would all just go away really. I feel like a crazy person… seriously, most days I question my sanity.

I’m struggling. Recently I’ve begun to read my bible again and listen to sermons. I’m developing a longing for Jesus again…

But on the other hand, I’m sinning like never before. I feel like a spiritual ping-pong ball. I get tossed from spiritual progression to disgusting, degrading sin…

If I was spiritually healthy, I’d be able to get up, but I can’t. Not this time.

It’s the strangest thing. I know Jesus, and normally I’d be able to see him anywhere. I could connect with him & talk with him. I could feel him & draw strength from Him.

Now, I don’t even know where to find him.

I read the word, and even though I know he IS the word, I can’t see him in the pages. I pray, or I try to pray, but nothing comes out, and I can't feel him or even imagine that he's listening. I’m a strain on my closest friends, and I don't even want to talk to them anymore. It's not fair that they should have to carry me through this, they’re going through their own stuff.

I really don’t know what to do.

Do you know what I’m talking about?

Why do I keep Him away?

Romans 8: 35-39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? […] No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

“I’m inadequate, I’ve failed, and I will never amount to anything. God, just look at my track record! I hurt so many people, Lord! Jesus, what if I say the wrong thing?! I’m not worthy of you. I’ve sinned… I’ve sinned in ways I never thought I could… Jesus, you don’t want me, really, just save yourself the strife. You’re too good and holy for me. You deserve a better disciple, a better follower. I’m a terrible creation, servant, friend, daughter and bride. Lord, I can’t. I’m not equipped. I haven’t prayed or read your word in a long time, so I couldn’t even speak even if you wanted me to! Jesus, I don’t think like them! They won’t listen, they don’t care, they don’t even like me anyway! Jesus, just stay away! Please just stay away!”

These are just some of the thoughts that flood my heart every day. And for over a year, I’ve listened and obeyed them.

I’ve kept myself away from the only being I know that truly & deeply cares, and the only person I know that is capable of doing something about it.

I’ve chosen to be sick. The cure is right in front of me and I’ve refused to take it. I’ve been so thirsty, and yet refuse to drink. I’m starving, but I will not touch food.

The verse above says that nothing… NO-THING on heaven or on earth, nothing that is made, nothing that exists can separate us from the love of Jesus. So why is it that I continually erect barriers to keep him away?

I can’t afford to live like this anymore. Something has to change; something’s got to give.

Something is blocking me; something I have made; something I have thought up or imagined. I don’t know how and I don’t know why… but a barrier has been erected in my heart against the love of Christ.

Please Jesus show me what it is! Give me the faith to remove it, and the strength to keep coming after you. I only want you.

100% is not God

I hope this blog hasn’t been a stumbling block for you. More than anyone, I struggle with the idea of all or nothing… 100% or 0%... and no room in between, no room for failure... the idea that “if you’re not prepared to sacrifice everything, don’t even try!” completely paralyzes me.

I found out yesterday that the reason it haunts me is because God is not like that. God is not the 100% God…

J.B. Phillips explains it best, please read on...
(This is an excerpt from the book “Your God is Too Small” pg. 30-2)

“This one-hundred percent God standard is a real menace to Christians of many schools of thought, and has led quite a number of sensitive conscientious people to what is known as a "nervous breakdown." And it has taken the joy and spontaneity out of the Christian lives of so many more who dimly realize that what was meant to be a life of "perfect freedom" has become an anxious slavery.

A young, athletic extrovert may talk glibly enough of being "one-hundred percent pure, honest, loving, unselfish." But being what he is, he hasn't the faintest conception of what "one hundred percent" means. He has neither the mental equipment nor the imagination to begin to grasp what perfection really is. He is not the type to analyze his own motives, or build up an artificial conscience to supervise his own actions, or be confronted by a terrifying mental picture of what one-hundred percent perfection literally means in relation to his own life and effort. What he means by 100% pure, honest etc. is just as pure and honest as he sincerely knows how, and that is a very different matter.

But the conscientious, sensitive, imaginative person who is somewhat lacking in self- confidence and inclined to introspection, will find the 100% truly terrifying. The more he thinks of it as God's demand the more guilty and miserable he will become, and he cannot see any way out of his impasse. If he reduces the 100% he is betraying his own vision, and the very God who might have helped him is the Author (so he imagines) of the terrific demands! No wonder he always "breaks down." The tragedy is often that the 100% god is introduced into the life of the sensitive by the comparatively insensitive, who literally cannot imagine the harm they are doing.

What is the way out? The words of Christ "Learn from Me," provide the best clue. Some of our modern enthusiastic Christians of the hearty type tend to regard Christianity as a performance. But it is still, as it was originally, a way of living, and in no sense a performance acted for the benefit of the surrounding world. To "Learn" implies growth; implies the making and correcting of mistakes; implies a steady upward progress toward an ideal. The "perfection" to which Christ commands men to progress to is this ideal. The modern high pressured Christian of certain circles would like to impose perfection of 100% as a set of rules to be immediately enforced, instead of as a shining ideal to be faithfully pursued. His short cut in effect, makes the unimaginative satisfied before he ought to be and drives the imaginative to despair.

Yet even to people who have not been driven to distraction by 100% Christianity, the same fantasy of perfection may be masquerading in their minds as God. Because it is a fantasy it produces paralysis and a sense of frustration. The true ideal, as we shall see later, stimulates, encourages, and produces likeness to itself.

If we believe in God, we must naturally believe that He is perfection! But we must not think that he cannot be interested in anything less than perfection!

Christians may truthfully say that it is God's ambition to possess the love and loyalty of his children, but to imagine that He will have no dealings with them until they are prepared to give him perfect devotion is just another manifestation of the god of 100%. After all who, apart from the very smug and complacent would claim that they were wholly "surrendered" or "converted" to love? And who would deny the Fathers interest in the prodigal son when his spiritual index was at an all time low?

God is truly Perfection, but he is no Perfectionist, and the 100% is not God.”

Open my eyes Lord, I want to see Jesus

The title of this blog entry is a line from one of my favorite worship songs. It’s very simple. Only one verse/chorus, and it goes like this…

“OPEN MY EYES LORD

I WANT TO SEE JESUS

TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH HIM

AND SAY THAT I LOVE HIM

OPEN MY EARS LORD AND HELP ME TO LISTEN

OPEN MY EYES LORD I WANT TO SEE JESUS.”

These words perfectly express how I feel right now.

You know, I always worry about this blogging stuff. I don’t like the idea. Why should everyone know what’s going on? What do I say? What’s appropriate? Who really cares anyway?...

All I know is that there’s a bunch of things going on in my life now. School is ending soon… I need to start applying for jobs… I’m making amazing friends… I’m connecting with the old ones more… I really couldn’t ask for anything more. Everything is great, everything is better than I couldn’t have ever imagined. But I just can’t seem to focus, or evern bring myself to care.

All I want is Jesus.

I see him working in my life… bringing in new friends, using me to speak peace into people’s lives; I see him changing me and orchestrating all these events around me… his fingerprints are everywhere in my life… but I just can’t seem to find him.

I feel like the Shulamite when she says, “O daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you - if you find my lover, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.” (Song of Solomon 5:8) She says this after she was lazy in getting up to greet him at the door. I can’t help but think that I’ve done the same thing. Only I wasn’t lazy… I just didn’t want to answer the door… I didn’t want to let him in… I just wanted to stew & sit in my own bitterness and anger. I wanted to push him away as far as I could.

And now I so desperately want him. I’m so nervous to write this because I know that God truly does take us at our words… but I don’t care if these new people and things are taken from my life… Take them! I don’t want them!... If I could make a trade, O God, I would!...

Please God, I want to see you. I want to see Jesus. I want to reach out and touch him, and say that I love him. I want to talk with him again… and listen again! I want to feel you right next to me in the morning, and to walk with you during the day. I want to smile with you, and laugh with you. I want to hold your hand again; look into your eyes and just be in love again!

Jesus, I know you love me... I know you see me... I know you’re there. Please draw near to me again as I so desperately long, and seek after you.

The First Step

This is not what I originally wanted to post. I had an elegant little blog ready for today. It was supported by a few bible verses & it was both challenging and inspiring. I was very proud of it :)

Unfortunately, it’s going to have to wait for another day.

You know, my first post (March 6^th) was really from the heart. It’s not the most eloquent thing I’ve ever written, but I meant it. Now part of me wishes that I had just kept my big mouth shut.

My whole life I’ve loved inspiring stories. My favorites are about people who despite all odds do what God tells them. In fact, it was the life of Martin Luther that inspired me to get to the bottom of this whole God/Jesus/Salvation thing.

But no matter how inspiring, challenging or uplifting… all the testimonies, all the songs, all the emotional moments you have when you say in your heart “I will follow”… all these fade very quickly when you’re actually called to take your first step.

While I can’t divulge all the details, I was called to take my first step last night somewhere between 2 & 2:04 am. All of the mumbo-jumbo I’ve been speaking about discipleship and following Jesus was staring me in the face. It wasn't just words anymore. I was being called to action.

In my last blog, I was so enthusiastic about writing… “The choice. The choice to follow is the only duty of the disciple. The decision to give Jesus all… and He’ll take care of the rest”… but I didn’t fully realize that in choosing to follow, you’ve got to leave everything else behind.

While you’re zealous & inspired this may not seem like much of a choice. After all, ‘Jesus is everything! He’ll take care of all your needs! He is the way, the truth and the life!’… but when it’s fully laid out for you, and when you begin to realize just how much Jesus is going to challenge you and stretch you... the reality of the decision begins to set in.

I didn’t fully understand why I chose to start my last blog with Luke 14:28-33. Now I know.

The Choice

Jesus said, "For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it - lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, 'This man began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:28-33).

Before I came to Jesus, my uncle (he was the one who lead me through the prayer) said just one thing…

“You can’t follow Jesus half way… Its all or nothing”

At the time it didn’t sound so extreme, and it didn’t even sound like a choice. 'Who wouldn’t want to follow Jesus?' I thought to myself. That was six years ago… actually, that was six years, five days, 23 hours and 11 minutes ago… And if I’ve learned anything in that time it’s that following Jesus is extreme. It’s all or nothing, and it’s a choice.

For the past year or so I’ve been “out-of-commission” so to speak. I don’t know what went wrong exactly. A relationship went south… I was hurt… school was getting tough… friends were getting annoying and church wasn’t helping. I guess it was a combo of things.

And I don’t know when it happened, but at one point I stopping looking at Jesus.

It was hard to keep his word in my heart when everything around me was yelling the opposite. And it was hard to stick to what I knew to be true when people around me were having so much fun living the lie. I so desperately wanted to have fun living the lie.

So I did it for a while. I went back to some bad habits of mine (namely drinking too much, partying, flirting like a mad-woman & swearing like a sailor). The funny thing is though that none of that really bothered me about the whole thing.

What bothered me is that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t drown Him out. I couldn’t swear enough, or drink enough, or dance enough to get Jesus away. But instead of giving in I just partied harder and drank more. Like a little kid I put my fingers in my ears and started to scream at the top of my lungs… “I’m not Listening…I’M NOT LISTENING!”

Well, inevitably, the world didn’t deliver on its promises (hmm… big surprise) and I was left numb… completely numb. When I finally took my fingers out of my ears I heard nothing. And I so desperately wanted to ear from Him… I strained and strained but I couldn’t even make out a whisper.

I wish I could say that Jesus came in, zapped me with life, parted to clouds & rescued me… but that would be a lie. Nothing like that happened.

What did happen was that I came across an old book of mine, ‘The Cost of Discipleship,’ by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. I was in the middle of reading this book before my ‘fall’ and I left it unfinished.

(For those of you who don’t know who Bonhoeffer is, he was a German pastor and resistance member against Hitler. In the summer of 1939, just before the WW2 began, he was in New York. He knew that going back to Germany would mean his life but went back anyway. He wrote the book in 1936, and finally he would have to live it. The Nazis executed him in 1945. It’s honestly the toughest read I’ve ever encountered, and I’m still not done, but it’s so worth it)

When I picked it up again I felt so inadequate. Luke 9:62 was looping in my head (“No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God”) and I just wanted to give up before I even started. I wasn’t fit to be a disciple! Let’s face it, I thought… I’m no Peter, or Paul… I don’t have the endurance or compassion of John, who am I kidding? A disciple? Puh-lease!

And then a thought came… “Isn’t it the master’s job choose his disciples?... And if that’s true, what is the only duty of the disciple?”

…

The choice. The choice to follow is the first duty of the disciple. The decision to give Jesus all… and He’ll take care of the rest.

I wish I could say that everything has been sunshine & lollipops since then… it hasn’t. But there’s a new verse that loops in my head now. Its Psalm 139:1-5.

“O LORD, you have searched me, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”